A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide
for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Send this to all the smart women you know
And all the men that have a sense of humor.
18 August 2015:
The location of your mailbox shows
you how far away from your house you
can be in a robe, before you start
looking like a mental patient...
My therapist said that my narcissism
causes me to misread social situations.
I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me...
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is
coming up soon and I'm worried about
the 195 lbs. I've gained...
I'm getting kind of tired always slowly
raising my hand when someone asks,
"Who does something like that?!?"
I always wondered what the job
application is like at Hooters... do they
just give you a bra and say, "here fill
Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion
Jeff Gordon announced that this will
be his final season of racing. You could
tell it was time for him to retire during
his last race when he had his blinker
on the whole time...
The speed in which a woman says "nothing"
when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely
proportional to the severity of the shit storm
Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday,
the meal is on us.'... If you're in Denny's and
it's your birthday... your life sucks!
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple
"Thank you" is all I need.....not all this,
"how did you get in my house" business!
The pharmacist asked me my birthday
again today... Pretty sure she's going to
get me something...
I can't understand why women are okay
that JC Penny has an older women's
clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people
made a language entirely out of tattoos...
What is it about a car that makes people
think we can't see them pick their nose!?!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because
women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real
credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss
called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have
to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss,
and I am working on it."
''Well good, you
are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you’re coming in late. I know you're
retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"
''They said, 'Good
morning General, can I get you coffee, sir?'''
elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket
theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'
young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring
young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n 'roll gospel choir. Now our services
are consistently packed to the balcony.'
you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'
of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'
Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'
replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell, or Go to Hell' cannot stay
on the church roof.'
Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays
golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks
if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress
asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and
says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always
have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can
slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for
someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've
been having. All these years? Well, they're gone.' 'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he used hypnosis! He told
me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, I do not have a headache. I do not have
a headache. I do not have a headache. Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
'Well, that is wonderful!' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You
know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and
see if he can do anything for that?'
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like
His wife says, 'WOW! That was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' He goes back into the bathroom,
comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
MY GOD!' She proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' With that, he goes back in the
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the
mirror and saying. 'She's not my wife.' 'She's not my wife.' 'She's not my wife.'
Two women were playing golf. One teed off
and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the
men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical
Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine
in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal
position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked 'How does that feel?'
He replied, 'It feels great, but I still
think my thumb's broken.'
Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
Allow those women who want
to marry women, marry women.
Let those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
In three generations,
there will be no Democrats !!!
[Damn -- I love it when a plan comes together!]
Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer
an "unlicensed pharmacist”.
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself
at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance,
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but
you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "just serious
The young lady looked at his awards and
decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes,
ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten
up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in
his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last
time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied,
She said, "Well, there you are. You really
need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!”
She took his hand and led him to a private
room where she proceeded to relax him several times.
Afterwards, and panting for breath, she
leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch,
said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
A Somali arrives
in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, Thank you, Mr. American
for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!" The passerby says,
"You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes
on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival
walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That
person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle
East, I am not American!"
sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa!"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."
If you sometimes feel a little useless, offended or depressed, always remember that YOU...
were once the fastest and most victorious little sperm out of MILLIONS!!!
What hole am I on?
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated
golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.' He thanked
her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. "I'm on number 14, and
you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.' Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He
asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in
the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.' 'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.' With that, he laughed so hard he lost his
balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!' 'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation
H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'
Author Unknown, Submitted by Don P.
A genius blonde:
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive, double-pane
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the
windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast- talking sales guy had told ME last
year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? (I told him) It's been a year."
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably
too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.
1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you
is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror
in yer pants? Cuz I can see myselfIn em. 6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my Nuts in yer hole. 7)
You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can
makeYer "bed-rock." 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11)
Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... The best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,........Every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
Author Unknown, Submitted by Frank G.
The Speech the President should give:
President Bush's Resignation Speech:
Normally, I start these things out by saying "My Fellow Americans." Not doing it this time. If the
polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened,
and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.
I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment,
or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: there's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this
The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people.
I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in
this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too lazy to do your homework and figure it out.
Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media. Polls show that the majority
of you think the economy is in the tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners including record numbers of MINORITY
homeowners. And while we're mentioning minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high.
Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton Administration. I've mentioned all those things before,
but it doesn't seem to have sunk in.
Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record levels and more Americans than
ever are participating in these markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too stupid
to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful
of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.
We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this "blood for oil" thing. If I was trading blood for
oil I would've already seized Iraq's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hellfire. And don't give me this 'Bush
Lied People Died' bull manure either. If I was the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted
in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty. Let me remind you
that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was
official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named ' Clinton' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that,
You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing
political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to
survive, just as we do. We were simply able to outspend and out-tech them.
That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to
die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are.
They want to kill you. And these crazy people are all over the globe.
You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11, but
you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement and homeland
security people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and
difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor'.
Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way
our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.
Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every
time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher
to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.
In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages
of the New York Times or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American
I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're
too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching. I could say more about your insane belief
that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so,
it would sail right over your heads.
So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream
about) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as
I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last
pillars of America fall.
Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what
she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough
to turn this thing around in 2008.
So that's it. God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what I mean.
- Author Unknown, Submitted by Frank Guilfoil, Lincoln, CA
ENJOY SUM HUMOR:
1- Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
2- In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
3-On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
4-At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
5-On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
6-At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
7-At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
8-On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
9-On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
10-At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
12-On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
13-On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! ; Dog food is expensive."
14-At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
15-Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary, we hear you coming
16-In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
17-At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
18-In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
19-In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
20-At a Propane Filling Station :
"Thank heaven for little grills."
21-And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
Bill walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar
with a great big smile on his face. Bill says, "Mike, what are you
so happy for?"
"Well Bill, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me. Tits out to here,
Bill. Tits out to here!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'? I said 'Sure you can
have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bill. I turned off
the key and I said' It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim,
Bill. She couldn't swim!
The next day Bill walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end
of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Bill says, "What
are you happy about today Mike?"
"Well Bill.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to
here, Bill. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your
I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way
out, Bill. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the
key and I said, It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Bill!
She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Bill walks into a bar and sees Mike down there
cryin' over a beer. Bill says, "Mike, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Bill I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to
me...tits WAY out to here, Bill. Tits WAY out to here. She says,
'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a
ride in my boat. So I took her way out, Bill, way WAY out... Much
further than the last two I turned off the key, and looked at her
tits and said It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and..... She had a pecker, BILL! She had
this great BIG pecker!... And I can't swim BILL! I can't swim!"
- Submitted by Frank G.
boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
"Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the
head of the family, so call me The President.
is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
are here to take care of your needs, so we call you the People.
we will consider her the Working Class.
baby brother, we will call him the Future.
about that and see if it makes sense."
little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.He gives up and goes back to bed.
morning the little boy say's to his father,
think I understand the concept of politics now."
says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.The People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit."
I am are sorry to be the one to have to break the news, but, due to the Don Imus
controversy, there will only be 49 contestants in the Miss America Contest this year because:
"No one wants to wear the banner that reads "IDAHO"!
New US Government Seal
President, Dick Cheney, today announced the government will change the country's emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM
as it more accurately reflects the new government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production,
destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!