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Jokes, Humor and Satire

Friday, 21 August 2015:

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'


Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:


1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;


2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;


3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and


4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)






The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:


1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.



The women won.

Send this to all the smart women you know


And all the men that have a sense of humor.

18 August 2015:

Random thoughts...

The location of your mailbox shows
you how far away from your house you
can be in a robe, before you start
looking like a mental patient...

My therapist said that my narcissism
causes me to misread social situations.
I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me...



My 60 year kindergarten reunion is
coming up soon and I'm worried about
the 195 lbs. I've gained...

I'm getting kind of tired always slowly
raising my hand when someone asks,
"Who does something like that?!?"


I always wondered what the job
application is like at Hooters... do they
just give you a bra and say, "here fill
this out"...?

Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion
Jeff Gordon announced that this will
be his final season of racing. You could
tell it was time for him to retire during
his last race when he had his blinker
on the whole time...

The speed in which a woman says "nothing"
when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely
proportional to the severity of the shit storm
that's coming...

Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday,
the meal is on us.'... If you're in Denny's and
it's your birthday... your life sucks!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple
"Thank you" is all I need.....not all this,
"how did you get in my house" business!

The pharmacist asked me my birthday
again today... Pretty sure she's going to
get me something...

I can't understand why women are okay
that JC Penny has an older women's
clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people
made a language entirely out of tattoos...

What is it about a car that makes people
think we can't see them pick their nose!?!

Saturday, 9 August 2014:

Monday, 30 June 2014:

unbalanced.jpg

Friday, 27 June 2014:

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"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious." - Brenden Gill  
 

Share |

If you can't laugh, you might as well cry!  Go ahead and cry or read on and click on some links: 

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Breaking News:
 
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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WAL-MART SENIOR GREETER

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.  Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.  But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
 
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
 
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
 
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
 
''Well good, you are a team player.  That's what I like to hear.  It's odd though you’re coming in late.  I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.  What did they say if you came in late there?"
 
''They said, 'Good morning General, can I get you coffee, sir?'''

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The bottle of Wine

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Management in 5 easy lessons!

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Scottish Short Joke!!

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me, Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"


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NEW PRIEST:

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'


The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n 'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.'


'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'


'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'but I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'


'But, Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'


'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell, or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.'

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Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes
him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know
that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud
at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door,
he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper
must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter
word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this
time.'

Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

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Beer Theory 101

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The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' 

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. 

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' 

Sherman  said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. 


And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.' 

The teacher fainted...






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Three Choices

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WALKING AND BEER:
 
A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
 
Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
 
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
 
Kind of makes you proud to be an American.  DON'T IT, THOUGH?!!!!!!
 

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Chicken Farmer

Nebraska Technology

Latex Gloves

Marriage

Redneck Story

Games Old People Play

Harley and the Vaseline

Animals Stutter!

1977 vs. 2007

How to Spot a Blonde Antelope (Blonde Antelope)

Mexico and the Olympics

Pro Drinker!

John Edwards Talks to John Kerry About Obama Endorsement

Nebraska Technology

Spiders on Drugs

Bush goes to a Bar

Harriet

New use for Windex

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The Hypnotist:

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having. All these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he used hypnosis! He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,
 I do not have a headache.
 I do not have a headache.
 I do not have a headache.
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
'Well, that is wonderful!' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire 
in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his 
clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps 
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW!  That was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even 
better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

'OH MY GOD!' She proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she 
sees him standing at the mirror and saying.
  'She's not my wife.'
  'She's not my wife.'
  'She's not my wife.'

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Humor for Lexophiles

Click here for a lesson on the economy!

2008

Kick the Pig!

Let's see if this offends anyone!

I've had days like these! Fortunately, they kept my straight jacket buttoned tight most of the time! Click here for Bad Day Video!

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Man robs a bank and takes hostages.

He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

Hostage answers yes.

Robber shoots him in the head.

Asks second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

Hostage answers no - but my wife did.

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dillinger1.jpg

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Golf accident

 

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

 

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

 

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

 

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

 

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

 

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

 

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

 

- Submitted by Camo 1

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Will I live to be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
 
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
 
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
 
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
 
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.
 
He asked, "Do you gamble , drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
 
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
 
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a shit?"

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New Runway:

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The Bottle of Wine

That's it...no more!

Click here for the Top 10 Women Drivers!

New drugs for Women!

bumpersticker.jpg

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TWO ELDERLY LADIES WERE SITTING IN CHURCH WHEN ONE OF THEM SAID, "MY BUTT JUST WENT TO SLEEP."  
 
THE SECOND ONE REPLIED, "YES, I KNOW, I JUST HEARD IT SNORE 3 TIMES ALREADY."

Courtesy or Clark W., Lincoln, NE

 


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Chickenhawks!

10 Thoughts to Ponder

1957 Joke

Best Son-in-Law Ever!

Raise for the Maid?!?

Click here for: So true, it's funny, I think!?!

Interesting thoughts

 

 

Okay, here's the plan:


Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

Let those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

In three generations, there will be no Democrats !!!

[Damn -- I love it when a plan comes together!]



Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant"
is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist”.

 

Sergeant Major:

 

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

 

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "just serious by nature."

 

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

 

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

 

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

 

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

 

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!”

 

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to relax him several times.

 

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

 

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

 

Love that Military Time!

 

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A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, Thank you, Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

 

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not American!"

 

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa!" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

 

Click here for Yogi Berra's speach to graduates (Very humorous)!

Somewhere in Nebraska:

cowboyheadstone.jpg

If you sometimes feel a little useless, offended or depressed, always remember that YOU...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 were once the fastest and most victorious little sperm out of MILLIONS!!!

sperm.gif

What hole am I on?

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.  Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.  He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me.  So you must be on the 6th hole.' He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.' Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.  He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.  The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.  I understand that you're in the sales profession.  I'm in sales, also.  What do you sell?'
 
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.' 'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.' With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said.  'I knew you'd laugh!' 'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

Author Unknown, Submitted by Don P.

19thhole1.jpg

A genius blonde:

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast- talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? (I told him) It's been a year."

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

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Redneck Man's pick up lines:
1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myselfIn em.
6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my Nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT? Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can makeYer "bed-rock."
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... The best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,........Every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
 
Author Unknown, Submitted by Frank G.

The Speech the President should give:

President Bush's Resignation Speech:

Normally, I start these things out by saying "My Fellow Americans." Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.

I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: there's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.

The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people.

I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too lazy to do your homework and figure it out.

Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in the tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners. And while we're mentioning minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high. Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton Administration. I've mentioned all those things before, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in.

Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.

We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this "blood for oil" thing. If I was trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hellfire. And don't give me this 'Bush Lied People Died' bull manure either. If I was the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty. Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named ' Clinton' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?

You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to outspend and out-tech them.

That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you. And these crazy people are all over the globe.

You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11, but you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor'.

Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.

Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, you might just as well FedEx a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.

In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol.

I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching. I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.

So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream about) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.

Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.

So that's it. God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what I mean.

- Author Unknown, Submitted by Frank Guilfoil, Lincoln, CA

ENJOY SUM HUMOR:

1- Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

2- In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

3-On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

4-At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

5-On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

6-At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

7-At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

8-On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

9-On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

10-At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

12-On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

13-On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! ; Dog food is expensive."

14-At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

15-Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary, we hear you coming

16-In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

17-At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

18-In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

19-In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

20-At a Propane Filling Station :
"Thank heaven for little grills."

21-And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

- Submitted by Clark W.

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Bill walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar
with a great big smile on his face. Bill says, "Mike, what are you
so happy for?"

"Well Bill, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me. Tits out to here,
Bill. Tits out to here!

She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'? I said 'Sure you can
have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bill. I turned off
the key and I said' It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim,
Bill. She couldn't swim!

The next day Bill walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end
of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Bill says, "What
are you happy about today Mike?"

"Well Bill.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to
here, Bill. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your
boat?'

I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way
out, Bill. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the
key and I said, It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Bill!
She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Bill walks into a bar and sees Mike down there
cryin' over a beer. Bill says, "Mike, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Bill I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to
me...tits WAY out to here, Bill. Tits WAY out to here. She says,
'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a
ride in my boat. So I took her way out, Bill, way WAY out... Much
further than the last two I turned off the key, and looked at her
tits and said It's either screw or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and..... She had a pecker, BILL! She had
this great BIG pecker!... And I can't swim BILL! I can't swim!"

- Submitted by Frank G.

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Politics Explained:

 

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

 

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

 

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

 

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care of your needs, so we call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

 

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

 

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

 

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

 

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.  He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

 

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. 

 

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.  He gives up and goes back to bed.

 

The next morning the little boy say's to his father,

"Dad I think I understand the concept of politics now."

 

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

 

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.  The People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit."

 

- Submitted by Frank G., Lincoln, CA

Click here for another explanation of politics!

Miss America Pageant:
 
I am are sorry to be the one to have to break the news, but, due to the Don Imus controversy, there will only be 49 contestants in the Miss America Contest this year because:
       "No one wants to wear the banner that reads "IDAHO"!

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New US Government Seal

Official Announcement:

Vice President, Dick Cheney, today announced the government will change the country's emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM as it more accurately reflects the new government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.  Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

__________________________________________________________________________________

The Pesticide Condom...

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"

The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."

"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."

"Listen here, " argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on them. My wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it.

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