WilfredMarks.com

Home | Projects | Jokes | Quotes | News | Entertainment | World History | HUSKER FOOTBALL !!! | Music | Videos | Cars | Games | Links | Contact Your Representatives | Resume | Awards, Certificates, Degrees, Licences and Honors | Contact Me

Humor for Lexophiles

Humor for Lexophiles

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

-----------------------------------------------------

 

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

 

-----------------------------------------------------

 

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?  He's all right now.

 

-----------------------------------------------------

 

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

 

------------------------------------------------------

 

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

 

------------------------------------------------------

 

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

 

------------------------------------------------------

 

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

-------------------------------------------------------

 

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

 

------------------------------------------------------

 

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement.  He became a hardened criminal.

 

-------------------------------------------------------

 

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard.  He did a number on it.

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

 

----------------------------------------------------------

 

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

A will, is a dead giveaway.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------

 

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

A chicken crossing the road: Poultry in motion.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------

 

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------

 

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------

 

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------

 

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

Local Area Network in Australia :  The LAN down under.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A calendar's days are numbered.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------

 

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------

 

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Acupuncture:  a jab well done.

 

 

Check out SwagBucks !