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WE ARE NOT A GLUM LOT !!!

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Mark Lundholm (Addiction Humor)

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I was concerned about all the injuries to the University of Nebraska Football team so I asked a buddy of mine, "Do you think we ought to replace the artificial turf with natural grass?"

His reply, "I don't think smoking pot is going to help them."

Classic :)

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Will Rogers, who died in a 1935   plane crash, was one of the
greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Some of his sage advice:


1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:

The ones that learn by reading.

The few who learn by observation.

The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
      The moral : When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

It is times like this I ask myself am I Howard Stern's daughter?

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Bambi on a "good" day.

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Yesterday I met a guy that is addicted to brake fluid.  He claimed he could stop at any time.

Today I met a guy addicted to sniffing glue.  I asked him if he wanted to quit...he said he would if he could, but he's stuck.

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I only need one meeting a year, I just don't know which one it is, so I go to 365.  - Michael

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GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO!!

 

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door..

 

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the

pouring rain, is asking for a push.

 

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about

three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you

should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people

too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

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Don't make these your 12-Steps:

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